Some of these things/"life lessons" I tell you about, I really hope you already know... but just in case....
This dude decided it would be a really hysterical idea to try and steal the goods from a drug dealer, and then karma quickly bites him in the ass. [You can skip to like 1:30]
I mean, at least he video'd it for us all to laugh at, right?! He's still an idiot... so is the dealer for trying to hold on, but he got lucky.
I wonder what happened afterwards... This video was originally posted last year, so did the cops identify them and arrest them? Did they get arrested right away anyway?! I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
This is one of those stories we'll just have to choose our own ending, I guess.
Fun fact before we even get started: "Double Dare" the show stopped airing in 1992, except for some special episodes in 2000. It started in 1986. DANG, YOU'S OLD DOUBLE DARE!
So you obviously remember the show. You should remember Marc Summers, the host. You HAVE to remember the gak that would spill all over the kids... Now allow me to help you think of it all completely different.
Marc says that he "his coworkers" were a little silly on drugs.. and that when they invented Gak, they named it after HEROIN! What the WHAT!?
We all know damn well you were probably one of the sillies, Marc.
That was kinda everything I hoped it would be. Finding out something that was so innocent when you were a kid is actually so adult is what makes nostalgia even more fun.
That is also one of my favorite interviews I've ever watched online. I LOVE that she got him to play the game! *Taking notes.*
Also... when do we start planning a trip to go to this "Drunk Double Dare?"
Tomorrow is 4/20, and although I would never condone celebrating such a holiday...... I found this pretty hilarious bucket list for stoners everywhere.
Click the pic for more; My faves are below.
Build a giant “Scooby Doo”-esque sandwich
Paint or draw a picture while high
Watch five classic stoner movies in one sitting
Have sex while high
Combine three “classic” stoner foods to form a Megazord snack
The girl who talked about unicorns after getting her teeth pulled is so last year. [Or has it been two years at this point?] Now there's this girl who goes on for 15 minutes or more and somehow keeps it entertaining.
The best part: She SWEARS Ellen Degeneres is in her room.
She also really needs a tic tac, and has a machine on her foot.
OF COURSE Ellen found the video and brought her on the show. Here are highlights of the video, and her interview:
I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled soon, and I am SO not looking forward to it, but if there's one thing that makes it all better, it's the hope that I can produce something this great. Hopefully someone will volunteer to spend some ridcutarded [I made that word up last week] time with me.
We all know, love, and fully appreciate what David After Dentist brought into our lives.
Now we have someone else contributing to the hilarity that is what happens after a fantastic trip to the dentist. One day I hope to take the trip to Unicorn-land where JC is in the house...
I actually have to get my wisdom teeth pulled ASAP. I'll tell my mom to bring the camera. Hopefully my doctors will talk about giving their parents sex toys like they did when I woke up from my surgery.
I love the ol' get-the-cat-to-chase-the-laser-pointer game. It never gets old. You make them keep running in circles over and over again.
Imagine if you could get a human to do the same thing. You'd probably have to get someone who was a little chemically imbalanced....
...Like maybe.... A crackhead.
That really happened. Oh my goodness. That is a grown man chasing a laser pointer around the street for MINUTES. That's out of control.
I think this could even be better than the drunkest man ever. I'd be way more embarrassed if I was found chasing a light than if I couldn't purchase another beer.
Good luck in life, man... I hope it works out for ya. To the genius guys who taped this: Thank you.
20 great signs from the National Equality March on Sunday.
Making all of the Jersey boys hard: Ed Hardy beer.
There is lip gloss that tastes like Cheetos... For the fat kid in you.
This fireplace was declared the world's most beautiful object.
A groovy graph that shows which drugs are used in each region.
Japanese spazzes in slow-mo.... I think you'll really like around the 4:00 mark.
I'll never understand how people have enough time to create these things, but it's freakin' awesome. Stop motion video with cardboard bugs:
Another LipDub: Backstreet Boys version. At first I thought it was lame, then there was the girl who didn't do anything, and the climbing on the desk. Priceless.
The new show Community... Remixed. [It's a really great show, for the record.
I got really sick of calling these posts "Rise and Shine." It seemed so dull, lame, and not very "elizabethany."
New name: Morning Hangover. It's more fitting because it's a collection of things I didn't post the night before....
So.. GOOD MORNING! Let's cure this hangover, shall we?!
Want to know if you're a fearless badass? Can you ride a municycle? I bet my brother and dad would try this... It's mountain-unicycling.
Jurassic Park: The Real Deal. Thanks to chickens, it might be a real-life thing soon.
11 of your favorite sitcoms have porn parodies. Have you seen them? I don't recommend watching this at work, unless your Big Mr. Bossman or something.
If you carry cash, you're carrying cocaine... You druggie. Bad girl/boy!
Animals make O-faces too! They're pretty precious when they do.
A graph to explain what sex is like for people in the movies, in real life, and with two females is probably pretty accurate. [Though I've never experienced girl on girl action, I'll take everyone's word for it.]
Video proof that Michael Jackson is ALIVE!
Lawnmower: 1. Woman: 0. Or maybe it should be the other way around? You be the judge.
Ronald McDonald is a hott mess while getting interviewed by PETA. [Sponsored by Funny or Die.]
If that isn't the most disturbing title I have ever posted on this blog, I'd like to know what else I have come up with. Yikes.
Here's a news story that doesn't need any type of introduction:
... But it definitely needs a follow up.
I understand people go crazy and it's all a chemical imbalance in their head or something.. But to cut off your own baby's head and eat their brains.... What in the H!!!! She MUST have been on drugs, too!
Crack is WACK people! Stay away from it and babies!
For those of you who haven't, and those of you who haven't seen this picture, you need to look at it right now.
Ummm... Madonna... Girlfriend... This is GROSS!!
She's gotta be on some serious drugs or not eating or maybe a combination of both. Her veins are nasty and she's just way too skinny. Nastynastynasty.
In the news: Apparently erotic voicemails and love letters that she gave to an ex are now being auctioned off online. They're expected to go for $40,000!!
I don't even have anything to say in reaction to that. I can't stop staring at that terrible picture. Someone help this woman before we lose another icon.
How coincidental that I stumble upon both of these in the same day!
They're probably two of the most "perfect women" for men.
Exhibit #1: Babe with the Booby Beer Tap
What more could you ask for than to be able to drink beer from her nipples, right?! Especially when she's practically naked! It's pretty clever, and I wonder how many hookers will try and do this for Halloween, now.
The only thing wrong with her, as a certain Freek Show host said to me, she has a mouth that talks, and apparently men don't want that. So I present to you...
Exhibit #2: Bongin' Barbie
She doesn't talk, and she has a good time! She may have a bit too much make-up on, but hey! You won't notice that once you've been.. Mmm... Hangin out for a little while, right?!
I'm sure some of you wish you could combine the two and unfortunately, I don't have that for you.
Give it about 2 weeks until someone does come up with it, though.
Have you seen the torch for the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver? No? Great... Let me show it to you:
So it probably looks relatively normal, with a crazy futuristic look to you right now. [At least, that was MY first impression.] But what if I turn it sideways, and take away the girl?
Looks a little bit like a... I don't know... Maybe a joint?! I mean doesn't it look like this could go right into someone's mouth? Yes, it does. And apparently Canada is all about the mary-jane, so that makes it even more obvious, even though they deny it.
It also reminds me a bit of a dental tool of some sort. Or maybe something for your nails. A certain biggest fan of mine had an even stranger idea:
luv elizabethany:ya that def looks like.. somethin awkward.
biggest fan:or a pregnancy test from someone with herpes
He never fails to come up with ridiculous things... And I must say, I whole-heartedly agree! The flame gives the answer clear and simple for the prego woman, eh?!
Ohh, the Olympics. I love every ounce of them. I wonder what the mascot will be.... Any bets?
Uh ohhh! A certain 14 time Olympic gold medalist got caught on camera doing something ILLEGAL!
In fact, doing illegal DRUGS!
Obviously I'm talking about Michael Phelps. But what was he doing?
Hittin' the bong!
This picture is causing a lot of buzz, as you can imagine! I mean, he's only 23, and it was while he was visiting a girl at USC [the South Carolina one, that is..] back in November. A lot of people are saying he was just living the life of a college student.
Apparently at this party, he showed up, and was loud and obnoxious the whole time.
“He didn’t know many people so you’d think he’d be a little shy. But he was loud, obnoxious and slamming beers from the get-go. Every girl wanted a piece of him and every guy wanted to be his best buddy. He couldn’t get enough of all the attention.” -Source
And I guess he was quite the pro when it came to smoking and partying. But really, just let the guy have fun, right?!
I just hope he really wasn't that obnoxious. I hate when people realize they're awesome, but then lose awesomeness because of their attitude. Ugh.
So let's just look at this as letting off some steam, and getting in some good ol' fashioned college celebration for his wins. Okay great.
It's been a LONG time since I've done Morons on Monday, but it's back for this holiday-Monday!
First off, I think 98% of Americans have seen "A Christmas Story," and if you haven't, then you've at least heard of when the boy's tongue gets stuck to the pole because it's cold outside.
Well, leave it to this little Kansas boy to find out if the "myth" is fact or fiction.
Rather than taking his parents' word for it, he just stuck his little tongue to a basketball pole. And instead of asking for some help, he eventually ripped it off himself. Ouch!
He seems to be talking okay, though.. So that's good. Guess he didn't lose his tongue or anything!
Now, imagine you're waiting for a package to come to your house, you're so excited, and finally, it's here. It doesn't look exactly like what you thought it would when it arrives, but you don't hesitate to open that sucker up.
Then, BAM! It hits you like a brick of 30 pounds of weed. Because that's exactly what it is.
Yes, 30 pounds. Of Mary Jane. Delivered to the WRONG house. Can we say "WOOPSIES!"??
This guy took it straight to the po-po's.
Okay, first of all. HOLY WOW! That is a SERIOUSLY LARGE AMOUNT of weed. What the heck. How do people even come up with that much?!
Second, it always amuses me when cops confiscate weed, or receive it like this. I, probably like most of you, assume that they take their share of it for "personal investigation," if you will. I'm sure they had quite the ..interesting.. day.
And as for the UPS guys.. Way to go. Way to deliver something so newsworthy to the wrong house. This is what we hope to hear about every day! Bravo for your stupidity and errors!
Speaking of being on the job.. Kind of.. If you were a lawyer, on a major murder case, how would you prepare to defend the man being accused of killing someone? A) Read over all of your notes profusely, making sure you know everything. B) Choice A, plus have a super strong martini, and a side of Jack on the rocks to ease your nerves. C) Snort some cocaine.. During the proceedings.
Well, duh, the answer is C. At least for Mr. Charles Ramsay. He decided to bring in 5 grams of coke, and snort it in the conference room of the court, during the jury trial!!!
When he came back, the investigators noticed him touching his face like he had just breathed something in through his nose, and then found traces of the white powder in the conference room where he had just been.
The case was handed over to the sheriff's department, and Ramsay was arrested, obviously. And now he gets to feel like a moron for working within the field he does, and still not knowing to pick up every piece of evidence left behind.
Congratulations, guy. You officially learned nothing while serving the courts. And now you have no job.
Finally, another moron on the job. We all know texting isn't the best thing to do while driving, but hey, it's probably okay when you're high in the sky flying a helicopter right?!
Well, most of us would say no to this question. Genius Morgan Saxton was apparently so addicted to texting [even the picture that friends submitted to the papers of him shows it], that he couldn't stop even while flying a helicopter.
So, well, the worst of the worst happened. He crashed. Into a lake. And no, it didn't turn out anything like the plane that went into the Hudson River last week. Unfortunately, he's up even higher than the sky, at this point.
I'd hate to call you a moron, and I'd rather just say R.I.P., but seriously.. Why would you do that? You're in a FLYING object. Not something on the ground. Goodness.. I wouldn't be able to take even a finger off of the controls/steering wheel/whatever they use in those things if I was up there.
Well, even though some of these ended not so well for people, I'd still like to thank them for doing IDIOTIC things so that us reporters have something interesting to tell besides the dull and boring stories that remind everyone the economy is dead. So, thank you.
So it probably looks relatively normal, with a crazy futuristic look to you right now. [At least, that was MY first impression.] But what if I turn it sideways, and take away the girl?
They turned 45 pounds of coke into 42 pieces of dinnerware. And it was all detailed, colorful, and pretty!
alled CRAQUE!
And, you can even make your own labels for the bag, if you want! For example: love, elizabethany ROCKS! Get it?!
Hittin' the bong!
Well, most of us would say no to this question. Genius Morgan Saxton was apparently so addicted to texting [even the picture that friends submitted to the papers of him shows it], that he couldn't stop even while flying a helicopter.
