Oh my gracious this lady needs some help. Mentally and physically.
We can all officially forget about Octomom. Someone is outdoing her in a major way.
Not by having 9 kids at the same time.. Or even 10... but TWELVE BABIES AT THE SAME TIME.
She lives in Tunisia and thanks to artificial insemination she is pregnant with 12 kids and plans on giving birth to them all, even though the doctors are saying it's not smart.
So basically... This lady wants a lot of attention, and she's willing to put her life, as well as 12 babies' lives on the line for the publicity. Fabulous. I love these kinds of people.
In case you were wondering, her name will be Dodecamom. That's the prefix for 12. I like it because it's ALMOST like Go-Deck-a-mom.
How long do you think this pregnancy will last? Feel free to sound of below, duh.
So it's technically Tuesday, but whatever! Just pretend!
I have a rack of stories of people being really, really smart so it's POP QUIZ time! Are you as smart as them??
1. If you're 11 years old and out riding your skateboard around, what should you be worrying about? A) Not having your helmet and pads. B) Falling off and getting hurt. C) Breaking your skateboard. D) Bullies E) Bullies with guns who want to rob you.
If you thought something simple like regular bullies or getting hurt is normal for an 11 year old to worry about, you're wrong! E is indeed the correct answer!
An 11 year old boy robbed a 10 year old at gunpoint for his skateboard in New Jersey. He's now being charged with armed robbery, robbery and weapons offenses.
Leave it to Jersey to bring out the hoodlums. I mean.. Uhh.. What?
2. If you need a little time off from work, what do you do? A) Take some vaca time, duh. B) Fake sick for a couple days, *cough cough* C) Stab yourself
DING DING DING! C is for correctamundo! Homeboy decided in order to get off of work for a little while, he'd take a scalpel to himself. After all, it's not easy to quit or lose your job in these tough times.
The police have been investigating the situation since it happened in May because he claimed someone else did it. Now he's looking at insurance fraud, making a false report, and tampering with physical evidence charges.
3. When you're robbing a place late at night, what is the number one thing you should worry about? A) Getting stuck on your way out B) Breaking things C) Leaving traces of evidence D) Someone coming back during your raid
Switchin' it up! A is the right answer! A man robbed a local bar one night and on his way out of the window, he somehow got stuck.
When an employee came to check on the bar, he found the burglar half in and half out of the bar in a window. The sad part: He was dead.
Apparently he grabbed $700 from the bar and tried to get back through the window by stepping on the sink. The sink broke, the man [who is "heavy-set"] fell onto the window and got wedged between, and the money and a firearm fell outside of the bar below him.
I hope the $700 was worth it, dude. Somehow, I don't think so. RIP.
So there ya have it! How do you measure up? Hopefully I won't have to be writing about your decisions in the near future. Or maybe that would put a nice local spin on things, eh?
I've said it before and I'll say it again... If you want to know how to get through life without learning the hard way, all you have to do is listen to me, and watch/look at the things I show you.
Why live and learn when you can read/watch/see and learn? All while having a good laugh at someone else's expense.
1. If you want to stand out in your neighborhood, you can't just have the weird colored shutters, or all of the interesting lawn ornaments anymore. The US is slowly getting a little more raunchy, one house at a time. If you want to stand out, landscape your house/building/whatever with a subtle hint of X-rated.
2. If you want to have a good time and think dancing in the streets is the way to do it, by all means, go for it! Just remember that no matter how "alone" you think are, you're never alone and there is always someone watching. [Enter creepy DUN DUN DUNNNNN music here.]
I'm not too sure if she was dancing, running, acting out a monologue, or pretending she was jumping in the clouds, but no matter what she was having a great not-so-alone time.
3. If you have road rage, make sure to always keep a crutch in the backseat. Along with a fellow road rager who is willing to act out their anger.
This should be a 2-in-1 lesson. Hmmm.. If you're the reason for someone's road rage, be sure you have a good throwing-out-the-window arm in which you can throw long, metal objects clear over your roof.
4. If you want someone killed, all you need is $200 and a swimming pool less than 4 feet deep. And oh yeah... A way to communicate that's not a cell phone.
5. If you want to prank your friend/roommate/whatever and literally catapult them into the air, it's not that hard. Just grab an airbag and figure out a way to deploy it on command, then let the magic begin.
6. If you want to look like a d-bag and an a-hole on national TV, go on the Bachelorette or any dating show with a significant other, act like a d-bag, and hope that it helps your music career.
Earth to idiot: No one is going to like you or your music now. Congratulations, you just ruined your life. [I wish I could post EVERYTHING homeboy said that night. He is somethin' else. And yeah, obviously the end of this video is fake.]
Alright, people! There ya go! Now you can go through life a little smarter all thanks to the people in these videos and me. You are very, very welcome.
Apparently it is totally possible to become a virgin again, ladies!
There's some surgery that restores your hymen. [AKA your cherry] After it's restored, it gets popped again when you have sex so the guy sees everything he would as if you were a virgin. [I don't think I need to go into details, right?!]
Anyways, some lady decided it would be a good idea to do it before her wedding, and then every year after that for 6 years.... Even though the doctors told her it wasn't a good idea.
Idiot. Now she's in Intensive Care because of an infection.
You deserve it, lady. Sorry... But you can only be a virgin once. Maybe twice is acceptable.
It's been a little while since I've done life lessons! It's about time I get one of these up, eh? It's a good one too.
Forget everything you've learned in college... It's not important. Just remember the things you learn here on love, elizabethany.
If you have a furniture store and want the perfect way to advertise, just say that both races like you. Black people love it, and so do white people.
I... Don't even know what to say.
If you don't know what the price of something is, you're on the Price Is Right, and you're a gynecologist... The answer should come naturally. Trust your instincts.
The best part about it all: Drew Carey uncontrollably laughing about it. Old people were probably like "I don't get it. Why is everyone laughing?" It's okay, we'd rather you not get it anyways.
Toys are overrated. So are usual pets like dogs, cats, birds even. It's time to upgrade to bigger and better things, and use them as a jungle gym, not a part of the family. For your kids' next birthday, get them a crocodile.
It looks like its mouth is closed shut, but still. This thing is just sitting there doing NOTHING while a kid climbs all over it. What a trooper.
If it's uber windy, it's probably not safe to be on a window washer high on some building. However, if you're looking for an adventure, and can handle an extreme ride even after losing a helmet, I definitely recommend it.
I'm mad they showed that smash so many times! Dang! They survived, though.. So it was just a fun ride, and an awesome story to share! Jealous.
If you're a drug dealer, growing your own goods, and your AC unit and porch swing are missing, go ahead and call the cops... Just make sure your goods are not visible... Or even in the trailer you live in.
A Stafford, VA lady reported her stuff stolen. The cops came by, and first noticed the porch swing still where it belonged. Then entered the house and smelt that sweet Mary Jane smell. Obviously, they got a search warrant issued.
What'd they find? 53 weed plants.. Some up to 2 feet tall! Now little Miss Smarty Pants is being charged with manufacturing marijuana, possession of a firearm while in possession of marijuana and two counts of child endangerment. Idiot.
Finally.. If you thought guardrails were around to save your life, you were so wrong. The truth about them is that they provide a nice jump so that buses can get some air and head straight for a construction site. Oh, and if you're in the construction site behind a guard rail, you should always.. ALWAYS just sit and watch it all happen.
"WOW! That bus jumped the guardrail! Oh wow.. It's coming straight for us. Ha, there is goes hitting the people 5 feet away from me! Oh.. Uh.. Maybe I sh...!"
You're welcome for making you smarter without having to do much work.
It's been a while since I've posted a funny cat video! This little gets fooled by something that I honestly thought a cat would understand. Boy do I underestimate their ditziness sometimes.
No, I don't think there's anything in the air. I think he's just freaked out by the air. Silly cat, it's supposed to make you feel better!
This guy is not fooled at all. He knows exactly what's up, and he couldn't be more excited about it. He just got a new pool!
It's his baby pool and he can hog it if he wants to! He can also run in and out and get excited as he pleased. Don't judge him.
Finally... This snake is just downright stupid. Either that, or his owners haven't fed him in forever and he thinks his only means of surviving is to eat his own kind.
Wow. I wonder how long he really is? Maybe he keeps going around and around! He'd have 2 layers of himself inside his mouth! Woah. That'd be weird, eh?!
Some people just don't use their brains. They get themselves into a stupid situation, and then decide to call 911 about it.
This lady really called because she was locked INSIDE her car.
"Alrighty well uh... I guess I'll call Triple-A or something..."
What the heck! Do you know what just happened lady? What an idiot.
This does remind me of a time when I got stuck inside my car with a friend of mine. But the door was really stuck, and we didn't call 911! We just called his roommate to help us out of the car. It wasn't me being a dumb blonde, I promise!
Maybe Kim Kardashian thought she was perfect to the point nothing could happen to hurt her looks, or maybe she's just an idiot, but either way, the picture she posted on her MySpace last week is hilarious.
She fell asleep under the sun in MEXICO, with her ultra-Hollywood sunglasses on, and came out looking like an ugly raccoon:
What an idiot. She's not untouchable. She's also not pretty without make-up and needs to do something about that ASAP. This picture is scaring me in way more ways than one. Ahh, help!
I'm pretty sure when you go to a zoo, there are signs everywhere about not entering an exhibit, or feeding the animals, or whatever. And sure, sometimes you don't want to pay attention and you just want to jump right in. But you don't, because you're smart. [At least kinda, right?]
Well, a Berlin lady wasn't so smart. In fact, she's an idiot. She decided to jump right on into the Polar Bear's moat this weekend, as if nothing were going to happen... During feeding time.
It may look like she was having a good time.. And maybe she was at first. But she ended up getting bit SEVERAL times.
The funniest part: When they tried to hoist her out with a lifesaver, she kept falling out of it, and getting bit again.
I don't feel bad for her at all. I've always wanted to jump right in too... But I know that they'll come after me. Just because they look nice, doesn't mean they are, people!
I didn't get to give you guys lessons on Friday, so here are a couple right now. Better late than NEVER, right?!
1. You should already know this, but don't light yourself on fire. No matter how funny you think it will be.
If you DO decide to do it, though.. First, stop drop and roll.. Then, post it on YouTube. ASAP.
2. Don't try to walk up a wall. Even if you have a friend to help, neither of you are Spiderman.
One guy DEFINITELY got the bad side.
3. Don't get drunk and roll around on tables.
Seriously.. Even if you think it won't hurt at the time because you "won't feel it," you probably will in the morning. Especially when everyone is watching you fall in your underwear.
4. If you're looking for some fun and want to go down a water slide, don't bother finding a water park. Just find... Uh.. Whatever this thing is.
I mean, it looks pretty painful to me. But, fun.
So, have a good Tuesday and rest of the week, everyone! Learn from others!
What's one thing you shouldn't take from a teacher? Their apple. DUH! EVERYONE knows that, seriously!
Well, everyone but 18 year old Dylan Morrison of Florida. When he was playing with a spring, that "disrupted class," his teacher took it away. So what'd he do? Took her apple of course.
He refused to give it back until he got his spring, which she refused to do. At a stand-still, the teacher didn't know what to besides CALL THE POLICE!
Now, Dylan has been arrested and is being charged with petit theft.
You know the saying "Don't split the pole"? If you're walking with a friend, you are both supposed to go on the same side of the pole, or else it's bad luck.
If you don't believe in that stuff, maybe you should. Because apparently these guys didn't believe in it, and they DEFINITELY should have. [Or maybe they should have just been a little smarter.]
"Hey I got an idea! Let's escape from this jail, while we're handcuffed, and run AROUND a pole! You go on one side, I'll go on the other! It'll be fun! And we'll TOTALLY make it out in time!"..................
I'm not sure how they could forget about something like handcuffs, but I guess they did, as they got stuck on the pole thanks to their cuffs. Now, instead of running free, they're fighting over who is to blame for this.
I'm going to go ahead and say both of them are morons, and both are to blame. You agree? I assumed so.
love, elizabethany
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Pop quiz time!
If you want to commit arson.. Ya know, catch a building on fire.. How do you go about doing it?
True or False: You should spread gasoline all around the bar, in which you are standing around, and then light and drop a match.
TRUE!!! Well, true for one guy, anyways.
He decided this would be a good idea until, dang. He went up in flames with the bar. Imagine that.
Okay, so what should happen next? What should you do once you're on fire, because you committed arson?
A) Stop, drop, and roll. B) Try and find a fire extinguisher. C) Run out of the building and jump into your car and drive away.
I hope you guessed C because that is the CORRECT answer! This guy seriously ran out, and jumped into his car, which also has gasoline in it, duh.
Don't believe me that there really are dumb people like this out there? Check out the surveillance video:
I don't even know what to say to this guy. I just want to know why Smokey the bear never came and taught him about fire safety. What a dummy.
It's been a LONG time since I've done Morons on Monday, but it's back for this holiday-Monday!
First off, I think 98% of Americans have seen "A Christmas Story," and if you haven't, then you've at least heard of when the boy's tongue gets stuck to the pole because it's cold outside.
Well, leave it to this little Kansas boy to find out if the "myth" is fact or fiction.
Rather than taking his parents' word for it, he just stuck his little tongue to a basketball pole. And instead of asking for some help, he eventually ripped it off himself. Ouch!
He seems to be talking okay, though.. So that's good. Guess he didn't lose his tongue or anything!
Now, imagine you're waiting for a package to come to your house, you're so excited, and finally, it's here. It doesn't look exactly like what you thought it would when it arrives, but you don't hesitate to open that sucker up.
Then, BAM! It hits you like a brick of 30 pounds of weed. Because that's exactly what it is.
Yes, 30 pounds. Of Mary Jane. Delivered to the WRONG house. Can we say "WOOPSIES!"??
This guy took it straight to the po-po's.
Okay, first of all. HOLY WOW! That is a SERIOUSLY LARGE AMOUNT of weed. What the heck. How do people even come up with that much?!
Second, it always amuses me when cops confiscate weed, or receive it like this. I, probably like most of you, assume that they take their share of it for "personal investigation," if you will. I'm sure they had quite the ..interesting.. day.
And as for the UPS guys.. Way to go. Way to deliver something so newsworthy to the wrong house. This is what we hope to hear about every day! Bravo for your stupidity and errors!
Speaking of being on the job.. Kind of.. If you were a lawyer, on a major murder case, how would you prepare to defend the man being accused of killing someone? A) Read over all of your notes profusely, making sure you know everything. B) Choice A, plus have a super strong martini, and a side of Jack on the rocks to ease your nerves. C) Snort some cocaine.. During the proceedings.
Well, duh, the answer is C. At least for Mr. Charles Ramsay. He decided to bring in 5 grams of coke, and snort it in the conference room of the court, during the jury trial!!!
When he came back, the investigators noticed him touching his face like he had just breathed something in through his nose, and then found traces of the white powder in the conference room where he had just been.
The case was handed over to the sheriff's department, and Ramsay was arrested, obviously. And now he gets to feel like a moron for working within the field he does, and still not knowing to pick up every piece of evidence left behind.
Congratulations, guy. You officially learned nothing while serving the courts. And now you have no job.
Finally, another moron on the job. We all know texting isn't the best thing to do while driving, but hey, it's probably okay when you're high in the sky flying a helicopter right?!
Well, most of us would say no to this question. Genius Morgan Saxton was apparently so addicted to texting [even the picture that friends submitted to the papers of him shows it], that he couldn't stop even while flying a helicopter.
So, well, the worst of the worst happened. He crashed. Into a lake. And no, it didn't turn out anything like the plane that went into the Hudson River last week. Unfortunately, he's up even higher than the sky, at this point.
I'd hate to call you a moron, and I'd rather just say R.I.P., but seriously.. Why would you do that? You're in a FLYING object. Not something on the ground. Goodness.. I wouldn't be able to take even a finger off of the controls/steering wheel/whatever they use in those things if I was up there.
Well, even though some of these ended not so well for people, I'd still like to thank them for doing IDIOTIC things so that us reporters have something interesting to tell besides the dull and boring stories that remind everyone the economy is dead. So, thank you.
If you've seen "Walk the Line," you know just how good of an actor Joaquin Phoenix is. [He played Johnny Cash.]
What you might not know, is how good of a rapper he is.
And by good, I mean terrible. Miserable. A disaster.
Not to mention, he's not the smartest person in the world. When he announced he was done acting [I still want to know why..], he walked the red carpet with "Good Bye!" written on his hands. However, it didn't exactly say that. It read "Bye! Good" to everyone he showed his hands to. Uhh.. Way to go....
And then, on his "debut" as a "rapper," he didn't exactly rise to the top. He kinda sorta fell down. Literally.
WHAT! Dude.. How are you going to go from Golden Globe AND Grammy winning actor, to a complete joke, in less than 2 years.
So much of a joke, that your new name is Joke P, my friend. Save yourself, fast.
I'm not sure if these guys are sick of just fist fighting, and want to take it to big and better things, or if they're really just huge idiots.
Apparently they though it would be a good idea to find a huge empty parking lot and two cars, probably their most prized possessions, and speed around and do doughnuts and stuff... Because that always ends well.
I'm sure you know what's coming... But check it out anyways.
Is this real?! I mean seriously.. Who would ever think this is smart?! And why aren't their "friends" freaking out more?
Maybe it WAS just some kind of fight, they were avoiding each other in the beginning, not doing doughnuts for fun, and these people paid to see it all go down.
I hope they got enough money from the spectators who were watching, if that's the case.
If not, ya'll are just stupid. Morons. Dumb. Sometimes you should use the ol' noggin.
What is the weirdest thing you have ever bid on on Ebay? Or, if you haven't ever done it, what is the most off-the-wall thing that you desired?!
Maybe, was it by any chance, a tissue? No? What about a tissue that Scarlett Johansson blew into while on The Tonight Show...?
If it didn't catch your interest, I don't blame you. I do, however, blame the people who bid over $5,000 for such a thing.
Yeah, apparently Scarlett was on with Jay Leno and had to blow her nose. They then decided to save the tissue and put it on Ebay, then donate the money to charity.
There were over 80 bids for this stupid, snot infested tissue, and the closing bid was $5,300. Don't believe me? Click here.
Uhhh... That's outrageous. And ridiculous. And stupid. And flat out DUMB.
Who does that?!? Who is this person that won? Ugh, at least the money is going somewhere good.... I hope.
To whoever bought this... thing... If for some reason you HAPPEN to stumble upon this page, I'd love to hear why you wanted it so bad.. Thanks.
love, elizabethany
PS: This is officially my 500th post!!!! Time to celebrate!!!! And maybe I should even put the rights to my first ever post on Ebay and make some money.. No? It won't work? Darn. Cheers, anyways!!! :) Also, soon I will have my 10,000th visitor! I wish I had a way of knowing who it was and rewarding you. Meh, just let me know if it IS you.
Let's say you're riding with your friend and they get pulled over. What do you do? a) Sit quietly b) Ask the cop if you can smoke a cigarette, and then do so. c) Ask the cop if you can smoke, and when he says no, cuss him out and go crazy d) Ask the cop if you can smoke a cigarette, then smoke one with marijuana in it
Did I stump you this time?! I tried. Kinda. For 32 year old Honesty Knight, the answer was D.
Yeah. Her name is really Honesty Knight. And she really smoked a weed ciggy as if the cop was really going to be okay with it.
Turns out he wasn't, she was arrested, and released on bond. Feeling like an idiot.
Seriously though.. Her name is Honesty. She's got to be HONEST all the time, right?! I guess she just thought she'd forewarn him or something.
Hmmm... Next time, think harder before you act, lady. Please and thanks.
Let's go to the club! But first, let me grab my gun, load it, and put it in my pocket! Yeah! That'll be fun!
I'm thinking that was going through Plaxico Buress of the NY Giants' head last night.. Because that's what he did, and ended up shooting himself in the leg. What a genius.
Safety first, my friend!!
He sure is throwing his season around, eh?! Don't know that I am super happy to have him on my fantasy team, but I am not complaining about his absence in tomorrow's game against the Redskins.
Plax spent the night in the hospital, but nothing is life threatening. He should be okay in no time. :)
TWELVE BABIES AT THE SAME TIME.
