life lessons 022411

You don't always have to kill the witnesses. Keep your hands outta the cookie jar. Say no to drugs. Your lessons for today.



love,
elizabethany

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life lessons 021711

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Learn yo lessons, peeps! ;)

love,
elizabethany

life lessons 120610

Tweet It's been a while since I, along with the help of some morons, have taught you anything. Let's take care of that.

A couple of ladies found an interesting way to steal a LOT of things, and a YouTube star killed his mom thanks to his videos.



People never cease to amaze me.

That is all. Learn your lessons, peeps.

love,
elizabethany

celebrating common sense day- life lessons 110410

Tweet WOO BOY! Today's show was awesome and I added a BUNCH of podcasts for you subscribers to check out.

It's also "Use Your Common Sense Day," so in order to celebrate, I obviously had to do another edition of Life Lessons.

Learn away:

You're very welcome for that knowledge and help.

love,
elizabethany

life lessons 100510

Tweet This is definitely my favorite segment on my show.

Just listen. And learn lessons. And don't be dumb.



love,
elizabethany

morons on monday 081709

Woohoo! Two weeks in a row for Morons on Monday!

Let the POP QUIZ begin!

1. You're at work and you just feel like stealing something. No reason to do it besides an urge to take something. What do you take?
A) Office supplies
B) Bacon
C) Money
D) Clothes
E) Something to make the company go down the tubes

I'm switching it up! The answer is B! For BACON! In fact... The best answer would be 3 pounds of bacon which would cost a little over $11.... And probably your job, but that's totally cool.


2. If you're looking for a suspect in a burglary case, who should you hire to find the culprit?
A) Police
B) Friends
C) Random people
D) Crackheads
E) Nun

You may have thought crackheads for a while, but the correct answer is a NUN! They have no problem chasing the bad guys out of the woods to help solve a crime!


3. What's the best weapon to use when you want to be involved in a good domestic dispute? [By good I mean a serious court case involved]
A) Knife
B) Hot grits, straight from the stove
C) Hot grits plus the pan
D) Cheetos
E) Pillow

Cheetos is the obvious answer here... But why not add in some pillows, too?! A couple who fought with these items is now looking at multiple court dates after being taken into custody for the altercation!


4. What is one right that you have that is not said by the popo's or written down anywhere?
A) To show PDA
B) To be naked
C) To resist arrest
D) All of the above

No, not all of the above. [Well, maybe.. But it depends on the type of PDA... Plus that has nothing to do with this story.] According to one man, it is his right to resist arrest. It's also okay to be naked in public... On a volleyball court.


5. Where is the best place to get into an all out, co-ed brawl?
A) Fast food drive-thru
B) Your home
C) In front of a police station
D) On top of a sky scraper

If you drive a Bentley, the correct answer is A. Chic-fil-a to be exact. Why not start arguing, then fighting, then having a 2-on-1 fight in the drive-thru that leaves a woman bleeding? It makes it even better to know that it started out with guys B-slapping each other.


6. So the nuns know how to catch burglars, but who is the best person to catch a child sex offender?
A) Call the Popo, Hoe!
B) Nuns again!
C) Pet dog
D) Burglar

Definitely a burglar. It's like the food chain! One man's child porn is the police's treasure, and the porn is stored on a laptop... AKA a burglar's treasure. So yes.. There is more to worry about than your stuff being gone when it's stolen. Now we have to worry about what will happen to the secret content.


That's the end of the Pop Quiz! Did you pass?! Hopefully not...

love,
elizabethany

morons on monday 081009

Alright... Because I'm taking care of a pregnant cat [more on that tomorrow], working a part-time job, trying to completely revamp this website, and blogging for Metromix about RWDC, I've been a little slow with these blogs.

Unfortunately, for Morons on Monday this week, I want to share some stories, but I don't have the time for a Pop Quiz!

However! I do have some links and teasers for ya!

• An old lady constantly feeds bears that come to visit her, then she "mysteriously" dies. Hmmm, I wonder what happened to her.
• If your milkshake isn't everything you hoped it would be, don't torture yourself by drinking it... Torture someone else with it. Literally.
  
• If you like CSI, and your birthday is coming up, don't be alarmed when your house turns into a crime scene. AKA it may not be the best idea to call the cops before going inside this time.
• A good reputation: Robbing toddlers. I'm sure they have a lot to steal.
  
• If you're going to go after someone's wife, make sure that man doesn't have enough money to do this. Especially if you're a public figure or celebrity.
• How you know you had a good night: You wake up in another person's hotel room. Naked. Without them having any idea who you are.
  
• Note to the cops: I don't think it's the smartest of all idea to flag down cars with a bright orange sticker to say "This car has something worth stealing in it."

Hopefully you can learn a few things from those links! If not, you better get a good chuckle!

love,
elizabethany

morons on monday 072709

So it's technically Tuesday, but whatever! Just pretend!

I have a rack of stories of people being really, really smart so it's POP QUIZ time! Are you as smart as them??

1. If you're 11 years old and out riding your skateboard around, what should you be worrying about?
A) Not having your helmet and pads.
B) Falling off and getting hurt.
C) Breaking your skateboard.
D) Bullies
E) Bullies with guns who want to rob you.

If you thought something simple like regular bullies or getting hurt is normal for an 11 year old to worry about, you're wrong! E is indeed the correct answer!

An 11 year old boy robbed a 10 year old at gunpoint for his skateboard in New Jersey. He's now being charged with armed robbery, robbery and weapons offenses.

Leave it to Jersey to bring out the hoodlums. I mean.. Uhh.. What?


2. If you need a little time off from work, what do you do?
A) Take some vaca time, duh.
B) Fake sick for a couple days, *cough cough*
C) Stab yourself

DING DING DING! C is for correctamundo! Homeboy decided in order to get off of work for a little while, he'd take a scalpel to himself. After all, it's not easy to quit or lose your job in these tough times.

The police have been investigating the situation since it happened in May because he claimed someone else did it. Now he's looking at insurance fraud, making a false report, and tampering with physical evidence charges.


3. When you're robbing a place late at night, what is the number one thing you should worry about?
A) Getting stuck on your way out
B) Breaking things
C) Leaving traces of evidence
D) Someone coming back during your raid

Switchin' it up! A is the right answer! A man robbed a local bar one night and on his way out of the window, he somehow got stuck.

When an employee came to check on the bar, he found the burglar half in and half out of the bar in a window. The sad part: He was dead.

Apparently he grabbed $700 from the bar and tried to get back through the window by stepping on the sink. The sink broke, the man [who is "heavy-set"] fell onto the window and got wedged between, and the money and a firearm fell outside of the bar below him.

I hope the $700 was worth it, dude. Somehow, I don't think so. RIP.


So there ya have it! How do you measure up? Hopefully I won't have to be writing about your decisions in the near future. Or maybe that would put a nice local spin on things, eh?

love,
elizabethany

some people are straight up idiots

Alright guys, POP QUIZ time!!! Will you get them all right and be awarded IDIOT OF A LIFETIME?!

1. You're a grown man who hasn't been circumcised. What do you do?
A) Go to the doctor, see what's up.
B) Go on being proud of your junk and show it off to everyone.
C) Figure out a way to do it yourself.

B? No way! C!!! Duh!

A man not only decided to figure out a way to do it himself, but he did it with NAIL CLIPPERS!

I'm not sure how far he could have gotten or how well he could have performed the task [AH! It's making me quiver just thinking about it] but he definitely gave it a whirl and definitely had to be rushed to the hospital.


2. You're in the bathtub, bubbles and all, and you just HAVE to tell everyone how great your bubble bath is. What do you do?
A) Tweet about it from your phone, ASAP.
B) Wait until you get up and out of the bath to let everyone know about something they don't care about.
C) Get out of the bathtub to run to you computer, covered in bubbles, and tweet it right away.
D) Bring your computer into the tub so that you can give detailed updates on the bubbles.

Oh.. Yeahhh.. It's D.

Homegirl decided it'd be a smart idea to use Twitter in her bathtub for a long period of time. Then she died from electrocution thanks to the laptop hitting the water.

It's another one of those sad but you're-an-idiot stories. What was she thinking!?


3. So you're running late for work, and there's a red light ahead. What do you do?
A) Go through it, duh!
B) Get extreme road rage.
C) Obey the rules, be pissed about it, and have a terrible day at work after getting yelled at and almost fired.

Oh snap! I switched it up this time! The answer is A!

It's happened a million times, but this guy really went through a light, and a camera captured the huge multi-car accident that he caused.



Hey... Guys... Seriously. Don't run red lights. It's not safe and I'm not trying to die. Kthanks. Camera- This is awesome. And very scary.


So hopefully you DIDN'T get them all correct, because then I'd have morons like these people reading. Then again, the more morons, the more stories to share, right?!

love,
elizabethany

don't be a chocolate mixer

Sooo, this may be really wrong to say, but I can't help it. This guy may be the moron of the week/month/whatever.

A guy in New Jersey was in charge of mixing chocolate in a large "vat" and fell in.

Not only was the chocolate boiling, but he got injured by the vat machine and died.

Okay, I know it's really terrible and it was an accident, but seriously. Imagine having to explain to someone that your friend died in a tub of chocolate. It's kinda funny.

RIP dude. Sorry it happened, but at least you had the taste of chocolate when you went.

love,
elizabethany

moron of the day throws out $1 million

Some people are stupid. This mother/daughter combo is one of a kind.

A daughter thought that she'd surprise her mom by getting her a brand new mattress. She even sent out the old one and set up the new one!

Nice gesture, right? WRONG!

Turns out Mom had her entire life savings stashed in that old mattress that her daughter so kindly threw out. It totaled about 1 million $$.

First of all-- The mother is an idiot for stashing all of her money in a mattress. You never do that. Ever. Second... I hate when people throw my things out, and I don't know why anyone would throw someone else's stuff away. You never know what's goin' on there or what it means to that person. YOU ASK FIRST. Idiot.

Now they're going through all of the dumps looking for this mattress with the money... but NEWSFLASH PEOPLE!! You just told the WORLD what was hiding in that mattress. You're never getting it back.

They made 3 mistakes. 3 strikes, YOU'RE OUT!

love,
elizabethany

morons on monday 060109

Woah, it's June. That's weird. [And TOTALLY sweet because it's my BIRTHDAY MONTH! ;)]

Anyways, back to my regularly scheduled programming... [That I'm supposed to do once a week but never do. Whatever... Shoot me.]


There's a million and one things you could do to your husband if you were mad at him. You could simply fight, or you could pull a Madea and throw the boiling grits onto him and then beat him with the pan. That's all old news, though.

You could also wait til he's out on a walk in the morning, load the kids in the car, and and just drive *OOPS!* right over your husband who's in the sidewalk.

Of course if you do this... You want to make sure you have your blinker on so that it's the last thing he sees before he gets ran over by you, your van, and kids.

PS: If this is the revenge you want to get, you should know you'll be charged with second–degree assault, domestic violence, reckless driving and child abuse, idiot.


I think I have a new type of story to add to my favorites.... Weddings. The fact no one takes them seriously is sad, but the things they do to get away from it all are funny.

Sometimes a girl wants to change out of her wedding dress for the reception. Something a little more flirty, or maybe a Juicy outfit with "Bride" printed on the back are most desirable for the new Mrs.

Or, sometimes, what they really want to change into, is the Mrs. Driver-for-my-Wedding-and-Teammate-of-my-Husband. So they announce they're going to change, then dip out into the car, and ride off into the sunset to the honeymoon with the former friend of the husband. Yikes, that hurts.

If you were smart, you'd either hide the affair, or not go through with it. If you were even smarter, you'd catch your significant other beforehand, and let everyone know. If you're a dummy, you'll get sued for material and emotional damages for running away.


High-School seniors, it's about that time. [Or maybe it's past that time for some of you, who knows.] Time for the senior pranks right before graduation.

Here's an idea I've never heard of or even thought of, and I'm a little upset I didn't. If you have access to the Yearbook or newspaper, have you ever thought about the possibilities that lay in front of you?! ESPECIALLY if you're the Editor-in-Chief.

I was totally on the yearbook staff, and for some reason, none of the crazies in my class, or the show-offs or the too-cool kids tried this. They hid the F word in a caption.

What a fabulous idea. All you'd have to do is make a couple letters standout from the normal block lettering. Are you following me?

The best part about it all... You can still graduate after someone finds it. [Although, who would find it AFTER it's published, honestly? No one really reads the whole thing... Unless you're a big nerd like me.] AND all your parents have to pay for are some stickers to cover up your bad-assness.


So really I guess I gave you two morons and a genius... But who cares. I enjoy them all.

love,
elizabethany

morons on monday 040609

It's been a while since I have done an edition of Morons on Monday, but I have a few for ya today! [On top of the Ferrari guy, that is!]

First up... If you have a pain in your eye, what do you assume/think it is? Maybe a huge booger, a little bit of food... Who knows. MAYBE there MIGHT be some real, hard object.

Not for Prax Sanchez. Yes, it was a hard object that he didn't know about, but there's a kicker to it. It had been up there for 30 YEARS!!!!

How they know that, I have no idea, but that's what the doctors are saying. They found it when they did an MRI to see what was putting him in pain. Wow.

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What's the best getaway vehicle when you're stealing a 42" flat screen?! I'd say a car of some sort, right?!

Of course, we're talking about morons here, so they didn't do that. Joshua Nuckles used his bike. In broad daylight.

Yeah, he got caught. A neighbor definitely snapped a picture of him riding down the block. Maybe because it's a hilarious sight to see, which is why I would have done it, or maybe she really knew what was up. Either way, the Nuckle-head is officially caught. [That was too easy not to do..]

---------------------------------

Let's say you're a klepto. You and your husband steal more than hundreds of thousands of dollars of things and then sell them on eBay. What do you do?
A) Keep it a secret.. Don't tell ANYONE.
B) Tell a couple people, maybe a little bragging, but they won't tell.
C) Go on Dr. Phil, multiple times, so you can tell the whole world.

C! WOO! Correct answer! Well, for the Eatons it was, anyways. And as you can imagine, it didn't turn out too well.

Now the Secret Service contacted Dr. Phil, who tattled, and are now searching through their house.

I mean really.. DUH?! Did they really think DR. PHIL would keep their secret?! Probbbbably not a good assumption.

---------------------------------

Picture this: A hockey game just let out. Everyone is rushing down the escalators trying to get out of the area. Drunk people are everywhere. Suddenly, a girl thinks she can make it upstairs.



Yes, that is a drunk girl trying to walk up the escalators. Not only are they obviously going down, but there are a TON of people on them! And they're acting like it's no big thing that she's doing that! Is that a regular thing at the Bruins' games?!


Oh my. People are so smart sometimes, eh?! Don't be one of these people.

love,
elizabethany

PS: Thanks Kane Show for these stories! ;)

OMG moment: train vs. ferrari

So you're driving down the road, and make a wrong turn. You notice you're on train tracks. What do you do?
A) Turn around, ASAP.
B) Get off the tracks and take your car for an off-road adventure.
C) Keep going.
D) Keep going, and call 911 a while later.

Homeboy in Texas chose D, AKA the correct answer. And for picking the right one, he got to watch his FERRARI get pummeled by a train.

Listen to the 911 call... This guy is an absolute idiot.



"There's an oncoming train. I'm gonna get killed. I don't know what to do."
"Get out of the car."
"Oh." Byebye Ferrari.... "Yep. It's gone."

Not that I want people driving drunk, but for his sake, I hope he was. There is no excuse to be turning down train tracks. And when your FERRARI gets hit by a train, saying "Yep, yep... It's stuck" is not exactly the reaction I'd expect.

My goodness. This guy is a MORON. I hope he's enjoying hearing his call over the news, radio, and internet now.

love,
elizabethany

pop quiz!

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morons on monday 011909

It's been a LONG time since I've done Morons on Monday, but it's back for this holiday-Monday!

First off, I think 98% of Americans have seen "A Christmas Story," and if you haven't, then you've at least heard of when the boy's tongue gets stuck to the pole because it's cold outside.

Well, leave it to this little Kansas boy to find out if the "myth" is fact or fiction.

Rather than taking his parents' word for it, he just stuck his little tongue to a basketball pole. And instead of asking for some help, he eventually ripped it off himself. Ouch!



He seems to be talking okay, though.. So that's good. Guess he didn't lose his tongue or anything!


Now, imagine you're waiting for a package to come to your house, you're so excited, and finally, it's here. It doesn't look exactly like what you thought it would when it arrives, but you don't hesitate to open that sucker up.

Then, BAM! It hits you like a brick of 30 pounds of weed. Because that's exactly what it is.

Yes, 30 pounds. Of Mary Jane. Delivered to the WRONG house. Can we say "WOOPSIES!"??

This guy took it straight to the po-po's.



Okay, first of all. HOLY WOW! That is a SERIOUSLY LARGE AMOUNT of weed. What the heck. How do people even come up with that much?!

Second, it always amuses me when cops confiscate weed, or receive it like this. I, probably like most of you, assume that they take their share of it for "personal investigation," if you will. I'm sure they had quite the ..interesting.. day.

And as for the UPS guys.. Way to go. Way to deliver something so newsworthy to the wrong house. This is what we hope to hear about every day! Bravo for your stupidity and errors!


Speaking of being on the job.. Kind of.. If you were a lawyer, on a major murder case, how would you prepare to defend the man being accused of killing someone?
A) Read over all of your notes profusely, making sure you know everything.
B) Choice A, plus have a super strong martini, and a side of Jack on the rocks to ease your nerves.
C) Snort some cocaine.. During the proceedings.

Well, duh, the answer is C. At least for Mr. Charles Ramsay. He decided to bring in 5 grams of coke, and snort it in the conference room of the court, during the jury trial!!!

When he came back, the investigators noticed him touching his face like he had just breathed something in through his nose, and then found traces of the white powder in the conference room where he had just been.

The case was handed over to the sheriff's department, and Ramsay was arrested, obviously. And now he gets to feel like a moron for working within the field he does, and still not knowing to pick up every piece of evidence left behind.

Congratulations, guy. You officially learned nothing while serving the courts. And now you have no job.


Finally, another moron on the job. We all know texting isn't the best thing to do while driving, but hey, it's probably okay when you're high in the sky flying a helicopter right?!

Well, most of us would say no to this question. Genius Morgan Saxton was apparently so addicted to texting [even the picture that friends submitted to the papers of him shows it], that he couldn't stop even while flying a helicopter.

So, well, the worst of the worst happened. He crashed. Into a lake. And no, it didn't turn out anything like the plane that went into the Hudson River last week. Unfortunately, he's up even higher than the sky, at this point.

I'd hate to call you a moron, and I'd rather just say R.I.P., but seriously.. Why would you do that? You're in a FLYING object. Not something on the ground. Goodness.. I wouldn't be able to take even a finger off of the controls/steering wheel/whatever they use in those things if I was up there.


Well, even though some of these ended not so well for people, I'd still like to thank them for doing IDIOTIC things so that us reporters have something interesting to tell besides the dull and boring stories that remind everyone the economy is dead. So, thank you.

love,
elizabethany

morons on monday 110308

Halloween certainly brings out some crazy people, eh?!
Here are two morons stories for you today.. And they're great ones. :)


When it's Halloween, you think you can be disguised as a statue and go trick or treating, something is wrong with you. When you then get hammered, drive drunk, crash into a wall, then get a DUI.. your mug shot is going to look like this:

[yes, this is a completely true story, straight from Las Vegas, of course.]


Imagine: You're running away from the police, driving your car, DRUNK, and there's a train sitting on the tracks at a nearby intersection.
Do you:
a) Stop, get out, and run like the dickens.
b) Come up with a way around the train.
c) Drive straight into the stopped train, get out, and "hide" in a nearby hotel.

Yea, some idiot chose option c.


Ahh, the things people do when they're drunk, eh?!

Know your limit, people! ;)

love,
elizabethany

morons on monday 102708

So for many of you, Monday is long over. For me, it's still kickin'..

Here are you stupid idiots in the news.. ;)


When you guys are a little.. mm.. frustrated, if you will.. Don't use a pipe to satisfy yourself. You might get your junks stuck in there, have to call the police, and the fire department will have to spend 90 minutes chipping away at the pipe to get it off. I'm not making this up.. It really happened in Newburgh, NY.

Standing in a dark street is never safe or a good idea. Seriously. Not even when your dog gets hit by a car and you want to get out and direct traffic around it. A 19 year old girl in Palm Coast, FL tried this and ended up getting HERSELF hit by a car. Woops.

Lots of people can relate with this lady.. But not many people have gone to the length she has. She had the typical neighbors with the obnoxious dogs that barked all day long.. until she kidnapped it. She took Spike, the dog, and drove him 15 miles away where she then abandoned him. Now she's facing up to a year in jail if convicted for felony possession of stolen property. Can we say not worth it?!

Randomness not about morons, really:
It's time to stop encouraging kids to be smart and have high IQ's. Yea, I said it. A study proved that 10 year old kids, with higher IQ's than normal, have a higher chance in becoming an alcoholic later in life. In fact!: for every 15 point increase, the possibilities for having an alcohol problem increase 1.17 times for men and 1.38 times for women.


Hopefully I don't have to hear about any of you guys in these stories I find one day, eh?

Use that ol noggin of yours every once in a while!

love,
elizabethany

morons on monday 102008

What's worse: A drunk mom driving her 9 yr old daughter, or a 9 year-old girl driving her drunk mom? Yea, the police couldn't decide either, so she got a measly traffic violation.

Woah, good thing this lady lives near the Sandlot! The police would have a lot of work to do! Apparently she hates balls landing in her yard so much, she'll go to jail before being nice to the boys.

I know some people always thought their parents were pushy and didn't allow you to have any downtime, but I think we oughtta count our blessings. A man ordered his SON to jail because of idleness. He said he wasn't doing anything productive and demanded his son go to jail so that he [the dad] could be free.

I've heard of massages with a "special ending" or whatever, but never a car wash! And wow, it involves a vacuum too! Homeboy is disgusting.

Believe it or not people, there ARE some idiots out there. God bless them................

love,
elizabethany

morons on monday 101308

Some people are just not quite there.. Like these:

When you're driving drunk, and you want some McDonalds, the drive-thru might seem like a good idea. Just remember, you're not actually supposed to drive THROUGH the place..

For all you knitters out there, feel free to slash everyone's tires. Nothing is going to happen. Well, you might have to knit a bunch of things for your victims, but it's what you love doing anyways, right?!

If you get in a fight over 5$.. I don't advise you to grab a vacuum to beat the other person. I mean, you COULD.. if you wanted 10 years in jail. I think I'll pass.

Spam emails are a time of the past. Now, it's all about spam texting.. but question: If you get a text from the government that says if you get a dragon tattoo on your face you can get a job, do you believe it? If you do, you'll probably be stuck with some crazy tattoo for the rest of your life. No thanks.

These people need help when making decisions.. Clearly the devil/angel on their shoulders aren't doing the right jobs.

Just another day of morons in the news for ya!

love,
elizabethany