Sunday, July 12, 2009

life lessons 071209

I've said it before and I'll say it again... If you want to know how to get through life without learning the hard way, all you have to do is listen to me, and watch/look at the things I show you.

Why live and learn when you can read/watch/see and learn? All while having a good laugh at someone else's expense.

1. If you want to stand out in your neighborhood, you can't just have the weird colored shutters, or all of the interesting lawn ornaments anymore. The US is slowly getting a little more raunchy, one house at a time. If you want to stand out, landscape your house/building/whatever with a subtle hint of X-rated.

2. If you want to have a good time and think dancing in the streets is the way to do it, by all means, go for it! Just remember that no matter how "alone" you think are, you're never alone and there is always someone watching. [Enter creepy DUN DUN DUNNNNN music here.]

I'm not too sure if she was dancing, running, acting out a monologue, or pretending she was jumping in the clouds, but no matter what she was having a great not-so-alone time.

3. If you have road rage, make sure to always keep a crutch in the backseat. Along with a fellow road rager who is willing to act out their anger.

This should be a 2-in-1 lesson. Hmmm.. If you're the reason for someone's road rage, be sure you have a good throwing-out-the-window arm in which you can throw long, metal objects clear over your roof.

4. If you want someone killed, all you need is $200 and a swimming pool less than 4 feet deep. And oh yeah... A way to communicate that's not a cell phone.

5. If you want to prank your friend/roommate/whatever and literally catapult them into the air, it's not that hard. Just grab an airbag and figure out a way to deploy it on command, then let the magic begin.

6. If you want to look like a d-bag and an a-hole on national TV, go on the Bachelorette or any dating show with a significant other, act like a d-bag, and hope that it helps your music career.

Earth to idiot: No one is going to like you or your music now. Congratulations, you just ruined your life. [I wish I could post EVERYTHING homeboy said that night. He is somethin' else. And yeah, obviously the end of this video is fake.]

Alright, people! There ya go! Now you can go through life a little smarter all thanks to the people in these videos and me. You are very, very welcome.


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