Thursday, March 12, 2009

put the phone down and go to bed

Let's play pretend. [Or, travel back in time a couple of hours or days, depending on who you are.]

You've just punished a handle of vodka, and helped kick the keg. AKA You're on another planet. Not conscious. You need to go to bed. BUT! You feel fine! "I'M SOBER!" you keep telling people.

Well, A) You're not. B) Someone needs to take your phone from you. C) If they don't, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, send drunk text messages.

Forget drunk-dialing. Things are worse nowadays. Messages don't show your current state [unless you're the person that says hey with a "4dy" or something] and people can't hear you slurring. You have no proof that you were drunk once the sun comes up.

It's probably the leading "cock-block" right now. The leading cause for death in relationships, whether past, present, or future. The leading cause of someone gaining a new reputation of LOSER.

Whether you think you're sober or not, after a couple (3 or 4) beers or shots, you need to hide your phone. We've all been there, done that, so let's learn from our mistakes.

If you haven't learned, you need to print this out, or save it on your phone, or do something so that you always remember... Because these are the

10 Worst Things You Could Send Via Drunk-Texting

10. Ur sexy.
There's nothing wrong with telling someone their attractive. By all means, do it! The problems with this via drunk-texting is that A) You might have drunk goggles and not know it and B) Don't text them, tell them in person. It's easier, and you won't have to remember it in the morning..

9. I h8 u.
Do you really hate them? What did they do to you? Are you overreacting? Don't use such a strong word when your brain isn't quite there. Wait 'til tomorrow to decide if that's how you feel. You don't want to purposely ruin any relationships by declaring it's over while drexting. [drunk+texting... like it?!]

8. Cum over.
Oh boy. The drunk booty call. Is this really what you want to do? If it's someone you just met, and you have to text them, do you really know what they look like? If you know them, maybe it's an ex or something, and that might not be a good decision. And if you're really going to have bad spelling, do NOT spell normal words in "sexual" ways. Put your phone down, go to sleep. Maybe tomorrow you can get lucky.

7. I miss u.
Take a step back. Do you miss them because you're bored, lonely, drunk, and in need of some lovin', or do you really miss them? It's all too much to think about while you're leaning over the toilet at the end of the night. Just have some quality time with yourself. No need for others to see you like that, anyways.

6. I Love You <3
YIKES! Whether it's a current boy-toy or lady-friend, while you're drunk is probably not the right time to let them know. If it's an ex, then you're probably really in trouble, and really going to regret this in the morning. The L word is intense... Too intense for a fun night of drinking.

5. Fine. Do what u want. Go w/that b*#@!
The #1 sign of jealousy-- Not showing you're jealous until you're drunk, and your significant other is talking to someone else. Don't open the bottle and let everything out right now. And DO NOT tell them to leave with that person. They probably will because they're sick of you being annoying, and then you'll be even more angry.

4. [Insert raunchy sexual message here.]
So you want to play the hanky panky with them? Don't say something raunchy in a way that can be saved forever. If the receiver isn't drunk, they probably won't find it cute. If they ARE drunk, this could become a sloppy mess. Either way, the next morning you'll be hitting yourself when you see it in your sent messages.

3. Im not dsumk!
No matter what you say to the person, never say you're not drunk. Whether it comes out clear, or illegible, you're making it so that everything you said is legit. You can't say "I WAS SO DRUNK!" the next morning because you told them you weren't. And even if they believe you were drinking, "you were in the right state of mind to THINK you were sober, though, so you MUST have meant it."

2. [Insert picture here.]
Chances are, you look your worst when leaning over the balcony, spewing chunks, or dancing uncontrollably, etc. Why send that footage to someone else so they can have it easy-access in the palm of their hands? You're creating black mail on yourself. And if it involves x-rated content, then you are just plain stupid and need to be pushed off that balcony.

1. I hooked up w/ ur sis... Shes hott!
First of all, you're an idiot for doing that. Second, this is the worst conversation you could ever start while you're drunk. It'll probably lead to every single one of the previous drexts that I mentioned. Wait until the morning, beat yourself up, and then tell them, NICELY! And then hide, and delete all of your messages. You're officially doomed.

So, don't do it. Don't be THAT guy/girl. 'Cuz come mornin', you'll be looking at your Outbox saying "why did I do that?!" and have a whole world to try and fix.

Don't call me Mom, I'm just lookin' out for ya.



The Tortured Artist: Diablo Tango said...

Guilty on multiple accounts! Can I go to love elizabethany jail?

Anonymous said...

haha ohhh dearr...been there done that to sooo many of those! I've def learned that sometimes you just need to go to bed! haha